I remember when I was working for LSS, I approached a pastor and asked if I could get some time on his calendar to share the work LSS was doing. He angrily pulled out his little red calendar, rifled through its pages and said, “it’s full, my calendar is full, unless you want to come and preach for me.” I said that I would be happy to come and preach for him and his demeanor changed suddenly. His shoulders drooped and he kindly said, “That would be really helpful.”
I then had lunch with him at this gathering, and he confessed to me that in the last week, he had told one of the three older adult facilities in the area that he could no longer do monthly services for them. I said, “Good for you!” And he looked at me with a shocked face and said, “really, you really think that was okay?”
It starts out innocent enough. We want our people to know that we care and that we will be present when they need us. Then that starts to translate into the pastor should be at all meetings, the pastor should be at all events, the pastor should conduct all funerals (even when the pastor is scheduled for vacation or other family events). The pastor should do worship at all the older adult facilities in town. This sometimes moves into the pastor should open and close the church building for all events. I mean, you did volunteer to do it that one time… and then it became an expectation.
Then finances are getting tough so surely the pastor can throw together the weekly bulletin. Oh, and since Covid, we really do like having those PowerPoint slides during worship. Pastor, that should be no problem for you! You are SO good at it!
Many of us have a Pleaser Saboteur voice in our heads. We need to be liked and we fear disappointing others. And the truth is when we find ourselves always saying yes, we secretly become resentful and tired.
So, here is what we need to remember… Caring does not equal never disappointing anyone. Jesus disappointed plenty of people in the gospels and even took off to the wilderness to get away from some of the overwhelm of expectations.
Before saying “yes” to the next inquiry (that you don’t want or need to), take a 60-second pause, breathe deeply (PQ rep), and then ask yourself, “If I say yes, what am I saying no to?”
I want to invite you to think about – what is one “yes” you wish you could take back? Send an email with the title yes to [email protected]
