When ‘Keeping the Peace’ Is Actually Keeping You Stuck
There’s a pastoral skill that looks a lot like wisdom. It’s the ability to sense when a conversation is going to be hard, and quietly… not have it. To delay the difficult email. To let a festering issue sit just one more week. To stay so busy with the urgent that the important never quite gets addressed.
Sound familiar? You may have met your Avoider.
In the Positive Intelligence framework, the Avoider is one of the most common Saboteur voices among clergy. And it makes complete sense — pastors are wired for harmony. You’ve been trained to care for people, to preserve relationships, to keep the peace. The Avoider takes that beautiful instinct and turns up the volume until you’re sidestepping things that genuinely need your attention.
What the Avoider Sounds Like in Ministry
The Avoider in ministry has a very reasonable voice. It says things like:
- “This probably isn’t the right time to bring that up.”
- “If I just give it a little more time, it will probably resolve itself.”
- “I don’t want to make things worse.”
- “They’re going through a lot right now. I’ll wait.”
None of these thoughts are wrong on their own. Discernment about timing is genuinely important. But when these thoughts become your default response to anything uncomfortable — when you’re perpetually waiting for the right moment that never quite arrives — the Avoider is running the show.
The Cost of Avoidance
Here’s what’s sneaky about the Avoider: it feels like self-protection in the moment, but it creates more anxiety over time. The unaddressed conflict doesn’t disappear — it just moves into the background, humming quietly beneath every interaction. You know it’s there. They probably know it’s there. And the longer it waits, the heavier it gets.
The Guide to the Inner Voices of Ministry puts it plainly: the Avoider’s impact is that “unaddressed problems grow, resentment and confusion spread.” The Sage shift? “What is the gift in addressing this now? What small, courageous conversation could I begin this week?”
One participant in the PQ program described a profound shift when she finally identified this pattern:
▌ “Working through the program really helped me start identifying the things that were holding me back. My own bad habits and patterns of behavior were very strongly ingrained, and were telling me everything around me was threats, things to be avoided. PQ helped me develop strategies to divert my own bad habits and that led me to much more joy and hope-filled outcomes.” — Pastor Rachel S.
Another participant discovered that her Avoider was costing her far more than she realized:
▌ “After identifying my Saboteur voices, I found that my Restless and Avoider Saboteurs make me less efficient overall by never actually completing tasks. PQ reps throughout the day and catching my Saboteurs helped me to complete tasks faster, with more thoughtfulness, and with more positive results.” — Denise V., Children, Youth and Family Director
A Simple Practice for This Month
Here is a short exercise to try when you notice yourself putting something off:
Step 1: Name it — Notice the avoidance without judgment. Say quietly to yourself, “Avoider speaking.”
Step 2: Do a PQ rep — Take 60 seconds to breathe deeply and bring your attention to a physical sensation. Let your nervous system settle.
Step 3: Ask your Sage — “What is the most caring and courageous thing I could do here — for them and for me?”
You don’t have to have the hard conversation today. But you do have to stop pretending it isn’t there.
What is one thing you’ve been avoiding in your ministry? Reply to this email and tell me — sometimes just naming it is the first step.
Interested in learning more about the PQ program for pastors? email at: [email protected] with the subject line “tell me more” and I’ll send you information about taking the free 5-minute Saboteur Assessment to discover your specific Saboteur voices.
