How Quieting Your Inner Voices Changes the People Around You
Here’s something that surprises almost everyone who goes through the PQ program: they came in thinking it was about them — their anxiety, their performance, their inner voices. And it is. But somewhere around week three or four of the program, they start noticing something unexpected.
Their relationships are changing.
Not because the other people changed. Because they did.
I have frequently mentioned the change in my husband when I originally went through the Positive Intelligence program because I was communicating differently. I realized I needed to own my old communication style and apply the PQ operating system to how I spoke and listened. As I shifted the way I communicated, I felt calmer, more connected, more loving and more myself. The beautiful surprise was how my husband responded: our conversations were so much more mutually supportive, our connection deepened, and our relationship began to transform for the better!
The Saboteurs Don’t Stay Inside Your Head
This is one of the most important things I teach in the PQ program: your Saboteurs don’t just affect your inner experience. They affect everyone around you. When you’re operating from your Judge, the people around you feel judged. When your Avoider is running the show, the hard conversations don’t happen and resentment quietly builds. When your Hyper-Achiever is in charge, your staff and volunteers can never quite measure up.
Your inner world is not as private as you think. It shows up in your tone, your body language, your availability, your patience. The congregation feels it. Your family feels it.
One pastor described the moment his spouse noticed the change before he even fully recognized it himself:
▌ “After strengthening my PQ, I feel I am once again in charge of my own brain and my responses to ministry situations. My spouse noticed I hardly complain anymore about a difficult council member — I replied, ‘I don’t even know he’s on the same planet!'” — PQ Program Participant
From Reactive to Responsive
The shift that PQ produces in relationships isn’t about becoming nicer or more agreeable. It’s about becoming less reactive. When your Saboteurs are quiet, you have a split-second of space between what happens and how you respond. That space is where wisdom lives.
Pastor Scott described what this looked like in his congregation:
▌ “With parishioners, I listen more fully and react less defensively, which has led to deeper trust in pastoral conversations and fewer misunderstandings. With my family and close friends, I’m less quick to fix and more ready to be with — creating space for genuine empathy instead of rushed solutions.” — Pastor Scott W
And Pastor Martin discovered that PQ wasn’t just changing how he led — it was changing how he cared for the people in his congregation:
▌ “In my ministry, I find myself listening deeper in pastoral care situations, trying to identify the saboteurs that people are dealing with. On one occasion, I was speaking with a mom who was being incredibly hard on herself, so I used the exercise I learned in PQ and had her speak to herself as though she was 8 years old, a beautiful young girl that deserved unconditional love and grace. She loved that idea!” — Pastor Martin
A Relational Practice for This Month
Think of one relationship in your ministry or personal life that feels stuck or tense right now. Before your next interaction with that person, try this:
Step 1: Check your Saboteurs — Which one is most active when you think about this person? Judge? Avoider? Hyper-Achiever? Name it.
Step 2: PQ rep — Sixty seconds of focused breathing before you walk into the room or pick up the phone.
Step 3: Curiosity over conclusions — Instead of going in with a position, go in with a question. “Help me understand…” is one of the most powerful phrases in pastoral leadership.
The relationships in your ministry are not separate from your mental fitness. They are a direct expression of it.
Free Resource: Download my free Guide to the Inner Voices of Ministry — a reference showing all the Saboteur voices, their impact in ministry, and the Sage shift that counters each one.
Ready to experience how PQ transforms your relationships? email me at : barbara@clergylifecoaching.com with the subject line “tell me more” to learn about the next pastor cohort.
If you would like to take the FREE 5-minute Saboteur Assessment to discover your top Saboteurs, email me at : barbara@clergylifecoaching.com with the subject line “Saboteurs” and I will get you that assessment!
