You’ve had a long day, you’re about to go to bed and your phone pings, “Pastor, can you talk?” and thus begins your internal tug of war. “It is my “call” to be available.” “This is a small town, and I want to be seen as responsive and caring.” “I don’t want to come across as uncaring.”
The problem with these thoughts is that many of them equate boundaries with being selfish. I would like to remind you of something you already know… Jesus had boundaries. There were multiple examples of the crowds wanting more of Jesus while Jesus steps away to be by himself and to pray.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t respond to the text – you know your people and you can probably discern when such a text should be responded to AND there are also signs that your boundaries are too thin. Are you feeling exhausted? Are you feeling resentment? Do you have secret fantasies of leaving ministry altogether? Are family members complaining about your choices?
I would like to have you ask yourself some other questions such as, “What am I really responsible for?” vs “What am I not responsible for?”
I would like to invite you to create a short list. What are three things you are currently doing that drain you and are not truly yours to carry?
You can experiment this month with saying “no” or “not now”. You can keep track of the times when you would normally instinctively jump to a “yes” but you now take a moment and truly discern, is this to be a “yes” or a “no” or “not now”.
I see this often when the pastor has Fridays as Sabbath. Someone calls and asks to meet on a Friday. The pastor immediately has an internal dialogue of, “I want to be available for this person” and says “yes”. This next month, try to first suggest a different time away from your Sabbath day. Don’t be so quick to immediately say yes to a truly inconvenient time for you.
Coaching is a safe space to practice new scripts, anticipate your internal resistance, and process guilt. If you’d like help clarifying loving, sustainable boundaries in your particular context Clergy Life Coaching can help. You can schedule an introductory conversation here: go.oncehub.com/clergylife
